Monday, June 20, 2005


What's up with that smokeyspice, huh? She brings up a hot topic like marriage and then gives no follow up... pretty damn inconsiderate, isn't it?

Well, folks, I haven't written anything for this long because... well, because I'm speechless. It's not that there's nothing of importance to say because there is. Not because I don't want to write because I do. It's just that I've found myself in one of those situations that I never envisioned I would allow myself to be in, and I did this all on my own. If I was back home in Libya, someone may suggest the witch-craft we like to blame so much on. But I'm neither in Libya nor much of a mystic myself so my conscience gets to bear the full brunt of responsibility for what I do.

I've come to realize that I spent much time over the years tip-toeing around so as to not awaken those sleeping around me. I can honestly say that I've been walking on egg-shells for about two decades now. What began as environmental conditioning became self-imposed repression as I lost sight of what power is in my own hands by concentrating on that which is out of them. I sat on the fence for so long that I forgot that there was a decision to make until the fence began rocking, threatening to throw me off if I didn't climb down myself.

I've walked and walked and discovered that I've been either on a tread-mill or that the path I chose was nothing more than a loop at the end of which I'm at the same intersection that I began at, only with a few more lessons learned under my belt. The question is which path I choose this time and how it meshes with what I've learned in this world.

I know, we're all dealt a different deck of cards in this world--but we're not all playing the same game. Some are playing Blackjack, some playing Poker; some playing Blackjack at Poker tables while others hold coins at the Roulette wheel. Some of us are playing and slowly but surely learning the tricks. Some of us aren't playing at all and some of those not playing actually think they're playing. Hell, some of the dealers don't even know they're dealing while others are revelling in it.

And then there are those of us that seem to have been dealt 2 cards from one source, and a die from another, and sent to the Craps table to make do while subjected to flourescent interogation lights and surrounded by tight-lipped ladies and gentlemen subtly uttering their grand words of wisdom to be heard through a thunderous roar of cackling drunks and bustling crowds.

This seems to be the table I'm at and that's what I'm negotiating.

My first instinct is to run so fast and hard that the roar turns to a murmur that begins to sound more like my heart beat than something outside my body, until I forget what I'm running from, until...when?

And after running for so long, how do I learn to stop and stand firm?

In an ideal world, the only person that has to be okay with my actions is myself and perhaps a partner. In an ideal world, my partner would trust my conscience. In an ideal world, logic and human understanding would beat sensless dogmas and the irrational fear of different paths through this world. But it's neither an ideal world nor should I maneuver around as though it were.

I'm learning, the hard way, to pick my battles wisely. I'm learning ownership for my own actions. I'm also learning that bitter and sweet are inextricably intertwined and that negotiating for one means tasting the other.

I know this is all pretty vague... It's all I can say at the moment. I will say that I may be swallowing some of my most recent words very soon, and that I would be happy to do so.

More later.