Arranging marriages
My life has turned into a stage for an absurdly surreal play in which the first two acts have me in utter confusion. Act three, in which the heroine (me) figures out the solution to her situation, remains in the making.
Act I: Growing Pains
This heroine will have successfully made it to smack in the middle of my late 20s in a couple of months. I will turn 28 this July and am relatively content with what I have to show for my years.
However, as the scene unfolds, additional elements make the seemingly appropriate progression of age suddenly inappropriate-—elements rooted in culture and identity.
In itself, reaching 28 would not be an issue...were I not ALSO Libyan, Muslim, and unmarried. While none of these particular facts of my life have alarmed me, they seem to be the source of much nervous tension in my family. While I am concerned with the next step in my career, the voices on the other end of the cursed ‘reach me anytime’ cell phone speak to other issues—-namely, to whether am I open to ‘meeting’ Mr. X and/or Mr. Y and/or Mr. Z for the purpose of determining whether we would like to spend the rest of our lives together. HUH?
Am I what? Speak with whom? And he is relevant to me how????
Act II: Slightly more intense Growing Pains
[The heroine realizes that she no longer has the old faithful excuse of 'finishing school' handy to her. She could use it, but she'd be lying. Then again, perhaps she's been hasty in her rejection of these kinds of arrangements. She's not married afterall. Also, the news that she's actually speaking with someone would be thrilling to her mother back home...and mother always wants what's best for her, doesn't she? It worked for others, why not give it a shot?]
And thus does reality turn surreal brinking on the absurd:
The questions preceding the introduction of this shadow man seem to have been informally standardized. The following is a translation of these questions, roughly in the order I have heard them.
- Is there someone in your life?
- Are you in a relationship?
- Is there someone you have in mind to marry?
- Are you open to the idea of marriage?
- What qualities in a man are you looking for? What conditions do you have?
- There’s this man Mr. X, Y, Z… related to or known by A, B, or C… who is looking to get married. Are you open to speaking with him? (Tada!)
Tweek out a couple of these questions, and you get one of those dating hotline commercials.
Keeping in mind my cultural background, each of these seemingly innocent questions is, in fact, a bit tricky. For example, if I did have someone in my life, could I really be so honest about it with my immediate or distant family without opening the flood gates of hell into my ear or my living room? If I say ‘Well, yes, there is someone in my life’, then I would probably have a lot of explaining to do since relationships outside the family ordained formal ‘engagement’ are still socially unacceptable.
To dig or not to dig… that is the real question here, my friends.
Are you open to the idea of marriage?
Oh boy.
How does one say ‘Well, in theory, yes; but in reality, I'm not done being single quite yet’ and get away with it in the midst of a community that explicitly rejects the idea of a satisfied single woman? There are few ways around this question, folks.
Note the wording of the question itself-—are they asking a broad theoretical question or do they really mean to ask whether one wants to get married at a given particular time—like, namely NOW? I’m pretty sure they don’t want to hear me pontificating on the institution of marriage and how it’s evolved throughout human history, so the latter is more likely the accurate answer.
The phrasing of the question is in fact a trap. If you actually don’t want to be married as soon as possible, you’re either up to no good or are viewed with the same recognition as a space alien landing in one’s back-yard. After all, no decent woman would want to live without a man by her side, right? If the lady in question does in fact state that she's not interested in marriage quite yet, then the logical next question would be roughly along the lines of ‘what exactly are you doing with your life that you can’t get married?’ Essentially, this hints that you better be really committed and/or close to discovering that cure for cancer for this to be acceptable.
Right… cure for cancer coming up, right after I pull off that world peace project I’ve been working on.
What qualities in a man are you looking for? What are your conditions? How to answer these? Is it sufficient to include a credit and a background check along with a brief description of physical traits that I find attractive?
I suppose I could say that I’m looking for a down-to-earth creative intellectual who is willing to move to my city rather than the other way around, but then I’m likely to get that stern look of disapproval. This is no laughing matter. Right…who’s laughing?
It’s not that I’m making fun of anyone or anything so much as it is my naturally sarcastic response to senselessness. I just don’t have a list of conditions prepared. Apparently, the memo to compile one has been misfiled or is buried under the other stacks of paper on my desk.
Or perhaps I was hoping, just hoping, to meet someone with qualities I both like and dislike but am willing to work it out with rather than stating 'conditions'.
And if I were to state a description or conditions that the person in question is unable to live up to, will the proposition be nipped in the butt? Will the family member really cease to ask me whether I would be ‘open to speaking with’ Mr. X, Y, or Z?
I kinda doubt it. They want me married…sooner better than later. After all, they tell me, other girls my age have been popping out babies for years and they just can’t wait to see my non-existent babies.
It’s true—most of my childhood friends and family are in fact married with children. Each time I visit home, I find at least two more babies and a couple more pregnancies in the family…oh yeah, and the five weddings I missed. And, yes, it’s also true that I am not a biologist studying the composition of human blood cells and DNA to find the cure for cancer nor am I doing anything worthy of such world-wide recognition. They win on those counts.
Act III: Slightly Horrifying Growing Pains followed by Reality Check followed by More Growing Pains
So I conceded and gave them all the right answers:
No, I’m not involved with anyone;
No, I have no one in particular in mind;
Yes, I’m open to the idea of marriage;
Sure, I’ll talk to Mr. Random variable…I’m sure he’s a wonderful chap;
I’ll give it a shot.
In the first place, hearing these words come out of my mouth was like experiencing mini-explosions in various parts of my mind and body. Who was this woman that took over my body and made me agree to things I would never agree to??? I should have called it quits when the first panic attack subsided. If it was the right thing to do, it probably shouldn't have felt so wrong.
Instead, I continued to be agreeable and ‘open’ to possibilities. I figured, hey, I can make this fun. I’ll approach it anthropologically. I might as well discover what actually happens in these arrangements before I completely write them off.
Suddenly, I found myself scheduling blocks of time to get to know someone over the phone, answering questions about what I look like, the things I do, when I do them and for how long and why, whether I pray, what I cook or eat, how I dress, and an endless barrage of others. Oh, and some of the questions (e.g. those pertaining to past relationships) are repeated in various ways at different times just to check on the consistency of the responses.
How fun. So much fun that I have begun to question my sanity.
Truth is that when it comes to romantic commitments, I’m flighty. I know this about myself. This natural tendency seems to be aggravated when comic bubbles appear over my head depicting the Libyan version of marriage hell in which I learn to get what I want using devious 'feminine' manipulation in order to NOT insult my imaginary husband’s masculinity. (I kid you not; someone actually told me that this is his preference).
As a result of this flightiness on top of my not knowing how to just call it quits appropriately, I am guilt tripped (by people I haven’t actually met) when I don’t call or when I become busy with what had previously been my real life. Apparently, I’m supposed to be attentive when I thought we were just getting to know each other. Oops.
And in between these periods of completely suspended belief, I receive endless phone calls from at least two members of my family asking for updates. Esh sar, they ask; masar shai, I respond. [What happened; nothing happened] But the same question asked day in and day out takes on a different slightly impatient tone to which I feel ‘masar shai’ becomes inadequate as a response. Am I supposed to be packing my bags and heading over to my new home or what?
I won’t even get into the over 50 phone calls from my sister in the last week—all ‘checking in’ on the latest and last time I am ‘open’ to anything of this sort.
It’s just difficult for me to get excited about vague individuals I’ve never actually encountered, especially when the information given of these individuals is scant. They tell me the bare essentials—age/location/occupation (it would be a/l/o were it used in chat rooms)—as if these should be enticement enough. Personality traits are apparently as unimportant as any realistic notions of compatibility.
For example, anyone that knows me should know that I’m not particularly religious. What leap of faith does it take to try to introduce me to someone who prays in a mosque at least three times a day? I know my family desires that I be more religious, but how far is it likely to go with someone who is actually looking for a nice Muslim girl? Even if on some level I feel guilty for not being her, I’m certainly not interested in justifying myself or my views to someone on the other end of the ideological spectrum and/or the globe, for that matter.
Where is the ‘me’ in all of these set ups?
No more conceding to conversations with faceless figures for the sake of making anyone happy; no more ignoring my instinct and second guessing who I know myself to be; no more Mr. Xs, Ys, or Zs.
No disrespect intended, but I just can’t play this role. God knows I tried.
I’m still unmarried and still am nowhere near a cure for cancer. However, I also haven’t been loafing around my apartment waiting for the phone-call that will guide me to my future-—not that call anyway. Frankly, I just feel awkward mustering up something appropriate to say in conversation with elusive personalities living other lives in other places.
In theory, I’m not against arranged marriages. I understand the logic of ‘arrangements’ in a culture wherein men and women don’t freely mix and therefore have limited opportunities to meet Mister or Misses Apple of My Eye/Vision of My Dreams. I do believe that the butterflies in the stomach are generally temporary, so why not base marriage on the more solid foundation of commitment and understanding? I am my mother’s daughter, and as she always said ‘The person that loves you will marry you,’ thereby emphasizing the merits of commitment and loyalty over romantic renderings of marriage. I get it.
However, as always, there’s a bit of a gap between theory and reality—and the gap sometimes widens as the theory applies to oneself.
In theory, I have no problem with being set up; in reality, I’m not so keen on scheduling time in my day for telephone conversations with faceless figures that seem to think I should be thrilled for the opportunity to speak with them. In theory, I could be set up with the most amazing individual I’ve ever met and would immediately feel in my heart of hearts the overwhelming desire to spend eternity with him.
In reality, the only overwhelmingly discovery I have made is how bizarre the situation in its entirety is in the context of my life and the facade of interest I can muster in a few phone conversations before my flightiness becomes clear to the various Misters.
Now, how I tell this to my family, come out intact, and not bring my mother to tears by single handedly destroying her hopes and dreams for me is a completely different post.
Act I: Growing Pains
This heroine will have successfully made it to smack in the middle of my late 20s in a couple of months. I will turn 28 this July and am relatively content with what I have to show for my years.
However, as the scene unfolds, additional elements make the seemingly appropriate progression of age suddenly inappropriate-—elements rooted in culture and identity.
In itself, reaching 28 would not be an issue...were I not ALSO Libyan, Muslim, and unmarried. While none of these particular facts of my life have alarmed me, they seem to be the source of much nervous tension in my family. While I am concerned with the next step in my career, the voices on the other end of the cursed ‘reach me anytime’ cell phone speak to other issues—-namely, to whether am I open to ‘meeting’ Mr. X and/or Mr. Y and/or Mr. Z for the purpose of determining whether we would like to spend the rest of our lives together. HUH?
Am I what? Speak with whom? And he is relevant to me how????
Act II: Slightly more intense Growing Pains
[The heroine realizes that she no longer has the old faithful excuse of 'finishing school' handy to her. She could use it, but she'd be lying. Then again, perhaps she's been hasty in her rejection of these kinds of arrangements. She's not married afterall. Also, the news that she's actually speaking with someone would be thrilling to her mother back home...and mother always wants what's best for her, doesn't she? It worked for others, why not give it a shot?]
And thus does reality turn surreal brinking on the absurd:
The questions preceding the introduction of this shadow man seem to have been informally standardized. The following is a translation of these questions, roughly in the order I have heard them.
- Is there someone in your life?
- Are you in a relationship?
- Is there someone you have in mind to marry?
- Are you open to the idea of marriage?
- What qualities in a man are you looking for? What conditions do you have?
- There’s this man Mr. X, Y, Z… related to or known by A, B, or C… who is looking to get married. Are you open to speaking with him? (Tada!)
Tweek out a couple of these questions, and you get one of those dating hotline commercials.
Keeping in mind my cultural background, each of these seemingly innocent questions is, in fact, a bit tricky. For example, if I did have someone in my life, could I really be so honest about it with my immediate or distant family without opening the flood gates of hell into my ear or my living room? If I say ‘Well, yes, there is someone in my life’, then I would probably have a lot of explaining to do since relationships outside the family ordained formal ‘engagement’ are still socially unacceptable.
To dig or not to dig… that is the real question here, my friends.
Are you open to the idea of marriage?
Oh boy.
How does one say ‘Well, in theory, yes; but in reality, I'm not done being single quite yet’ and get away with it in the midst of a community that explicitly rejects the idea of a satisfied single woman? There are few ways around this question, folks.
Note the wording of the question itself-—are they asking a broad theoretical question or do they really mean to ask whether one wants to get married at a given particular time—like, namely NOW? I’m pretty sure they don’t want to hear me pontificating on the institution of marriage and how it’s evolved throughout human history, so the latter is more likely the accurate answer.
The phrasing of the question is in fact a trap. If you actually don’t want to be married as soon as possible, you’re either up to no good or are viewed with the same recognition as a space alien landing in one’s back-yard. After all, no decent woman would want to live without a man by her side, right? If the lady in question does in fact state that she's not interested in marriage quite yet, then the logical next question would be roughly along the lines of ‘what exactly are you doing with your life that you can’t get married?’ Essentially, this hints that you better be really committed and/or close to discovering that cure for cancer for this to be acceptable.
Right… cure for cancer coming up, right after I pull off that world peace project I’ve been working on.
What qualities in a man are you looking for? What are your conditions? How to answer these? Is it sufficient to include a credit and a background check along with a brief description of physical traits that I find attractive?
I suppose I could say that I’m looking for a down-to-earth creative intellectual who is willing to move to my city rather than the other way around, but then I’m likely to get that stern look of disapproval. This is no laughing matter. Right…who’s laughing?
It’s not that I’m making fun of anyone or anything so much as it is my naturally sarcastic response to senselessness. I just don’t have a list of conditions prepared. Apparently, the memo to compile one has been misfiled or is buried under the other stacks of paper on my desk.
Or perhaps I was hoping, just hoping, to meet someone with qualities I both like and dislike but am willing to work it out with rather than stating 'conditions'.
And if I were to state a description or conditions that the person in question is unable to live up to, will the proposition be nipped in the butt? Will the family member really cease to ask me whether I would be ‘open to speaking with’ Mr. X, Y, or Z?
I kinda doubt it. They want me married…sooner better than later. After all, they tell me, other girls my age have been popping out babies for years and they just can’t wait to see my non-existent babies.
It’s true—most of my childhood friends and family are in fact married with children. Each time I visit home, I find at least two more babies and a couple more pregnancies in the family…oh yeah, and the five weddings I missed. And, yes, it’s also true that I am not a biologist studying the composition of human blood cells and DNA to find the cure for cancer nor am I doing anything worthy of such world-wide recognition. They win on those counts.
Act III: Slightly Horrifying Growing Pains followed by Reality Check followed by More Growing Pains
So I conceded and gave them all the right answers:
No, I’m not involved with anyone;
No, I have no one in particular in mind;
Yes, I’m open to the idea of marriage;
Sure, I’ll talk to Mr. Random variable…I’m sure he’s a wonderful chap;
I’ll give it a shot.
In the first place, hearing these words come out of my mouth was like experiencing mini-explosions in various parts of my mind and body. Who was this woman that took over my body and made me agree to things I would never agree to??? I should have called it quits when the first panic attack subsided. If it was the right thing to do, it probably shouldn't have felt so wrong.
Instead, I continued to be agreeable and ‘open’ to possibilities. I figured, hey, I can make this fun. I’ll approach it anthropologically. I might as well discover what actually happens in these arrangements before I completely write them off.
Suddenly, I found myself scheduling blocks of time to get to know someone over the phone, answering questions about what I look like, the things I do, when I do them and for how long and why, whether I pray, what I cook or eat, how I dress, and an endless barrage of others. Oh, and some of the questions (e.g. those pertaining to past relationships) are repeated in various ways at different times just to check on the consistency of the responses.
How fun. So much fun that I have begun to question my sanity.
Truth is that when it comes to romantic commitments, I’m flighty. I know this about myself. This natural tendency seems to be aggravated when comic bubbles appear over my head depicting the Libyan version of marriage hell in which I learn to get what I want using devious 'feminine' manipulation in order to NOT insult my imaginary husband’s masculinity. (I kid you not; someone actually told me that this is his preference).
As a result of this flightiness on top of my not knowing how to just call it quits appropriately, I am guilt tripped (by people I haven’t actually met) when I don’t call or when I become busy with what had previously been my real life. Apparently, I’m supposed to be attentive when I thought we were just getting to know each other. Oops.
And in between these periods of completely suspended belief, I receive endless phone calls from at least two members of my family asking for updates. Esh sar, they ask; masar shai, I respond. [What happened; nothing happened] But the same question asked day in and day out takes on a different slightly impatient tone to which I feel ‘masar shai’ becomes inadequate as a response. Am I supposed to be packing my bags and heading over to my new home or what?
I won’t even get into the over 50 phone calls from my sister in the last week—all ‘checking in’ on the latest and last time I am ‘open’ to anything of this sort.
It’s just difficult for me to get excited about vague individuals I’ve never actually encountered, especially when the information given of these individuals is scant. They tell me the bare essentials—age/location/occupation (it would be a/l/o were it used in chat rooms)—as if these should be enticement enough. Personality traits are apparently as unimportant as any realistic notions of compatibility.
For example, anyone that knows me should know that I’m not particularly religious. What leap of faith does it take to try to introduce me to someone who prays in a mosque at least three times a day? I know my family desires that I be more religious, but how far is it likely to go with someone who is actually looking for a nice Muslim girl? Even if on some level I feel guilty for not being her, I’m certainly not interested in justifying myself or my views to someone on the other end of the ideological spectrum and/or the globe, for that matter.
Where is the ‘me’ in all of these set ups?
No more conceding to conversations with faceless figures for the sake of making anyone happy; no more ignoring my instinct and second guessing who I know myself to be; no more Mr. Xs, Ys, or Zs.
No disrespect intended, but I just can’t play this role. God knows I tried.
I’m still unmarried and still am nowhere near a cure for cancer. However, I also haven’t been loafing around my apartment waiting for the phone-call that will guide me to my future-—not that call anyway. Frankly, I just feel awkward mustering up something appropriate to say in conversation with elusive personalities living other lives in other places.
In theory, I’m not against arranged marriages. I understand the logic of ‘arrangements’ in a culture wherein men and women don’t freely mix and therefore have limited opportunities to meet Mister or Misses Apple of My Eye/Vision of My Dreams. I do believe that the butterflies in the stomach are generally temporary, so why not base marriage on the more solid foundation of commitment and understanding? I am my mother’s daughter, and as she always said ‘The person that loves you will marry you,’ thereby emphasizing the merits of commitment and loyalty over romantic renderings of marriage. I get it.
However, as always, there’s a bit of a gap between theory and reality—and the gap sometimes widens as the theory applies to oneself.
In theory, I have no problem with being set up; in reality, I’m not so keen on scheduling time in my day for telephone conversations with faceless figures that seem to think I should be thrilled for the opportunity to speak with them. In theory, I could be set up with the most amazing individual I’ve ever met and would immediately feel in my heart of hearts the overwhelming desire to spend eternity with him.
In reality, the only overwhelmingly discovery I have made is how bizarre the situation in its entirety is in the context of my life and the facade of interest I can muster in a few phone conversations before my flightiness becomes clear to the various Misters.
Now, how I tell this to my family, come out intact, and not bring my mother to tears by single handedly destroying her hopes and dreams for me is a completely different post.
posted by smokey spice at 3:51 AM
30 Comments:
LOL sister, I understand your situation very well habibti. You don't need my advice my dear, I think you know Libya pretty better than I do ;) I personally have stopped giving excuses, but then my parents have never trying setting me up ( I wish they do as I would like to know how it feels- they've got really good connections lol ). But other well intentioned friends/family; baraka allah fihum have not stopped. So now after meeting x-y-z and not liking them I just tell my parents, sorry I can never imagine myself having a child with THAT specimen. My mother was laughing so much. It's gotten to the point were my ultra conservative grandmother is actually ASKING me and winking, 'sweetie don't you have a boyfriend or someone you like? it would be great to have you married - get moving girl tla7l7i zay ilbnat il fal7at' If my grandmother is saying that ! than o boy I better find that elusive Mr. Right. Welcome to the 21st century. On the other hand smokeyspice it would be nice if you get married and lived in Libya..we could see each other .
maybe you should marry someone else. an american. white. and ... i don't know, an old friend of yours.
smokey_spice :) if that ain't a cyber proposal from Jeames hmmm maybe you wanna give him a chance . That is very romantic.
Jeames: First, I'm sorry for not calling you back yet. I'll call you this weekend. And if I don't, you can tell everyone that checks in on my blog what a flake I am.
I'm just so damn sick of the phone! It rings first thing in the morning (that would be my sister making her first of 50 calls), throughout the day, and into the night--and I'm just so tired of the ringing of phones and feeling obligated to have 2 hour conversations that I've been avoiding phone calls all together.
As for the proposal: Let it be known that I will always adore Jeames Morgan (aka...something else). That said, Jeames, do you really think you can handle my family?
Highlander: Habibti, it's not my parents trying to set me up--it's other family members or friends of the family. I used to think that it was up to parents, but now I'm reconsidering.
lol about your grandmother. It's amazing how frank they get at a certain point--and then it's just traumatizing, isn't it?
I say you mess with their heads...say yes you have a boyfriend and then pause for just one minute. You'll definitely have fun and maybe even be surprized by the response.
Walla ya Highlander, I would love to meet you personally, but you really shouldn't wish the likes of me on any Libyan man. I'm pretty sure that I'm out of that game for better or worse. They don't see me and I'm not interested in being seen.
Regardless, you're always traveling anyway. We might see each other more if I lived in Lebanon or Syria! I have no idea where you are in your educational career, but why don't we both check out programs at the American University of Cairo.... you too, Jeames. You really need to get the hell out of the country anyway, so why not check out Egypt for a while?
I'm so sleepy....
Salamat/Peace
It seems I'm done too with Libyan men ..they don't even think I'm Libyan :( big problem back home lol.
Are you considering going to Egypt to AUC ? that would be fun, I'd love to meet up with you guys in Cairo , Beirut, Damascus or London or Tripoli should be fun... look if you have time email me, maybe we can 'ntbukhu ' something toghether. Re. Boyfriend, I wish I had one, you'd be surprised how much he would be appreciated it would mean that yes finally hardheaded highlander has come down to earth and is not holding up her wishlist and thicking the items which match her potential soulmate.I think even my father almost wishes to hear that I'm meeting someone ;))
i have 12:14 monday morning, when should i begin to dissiminate the stories of your flakiness?
Hey Spicy! Don't give up on Libyan men, you might be surprised. I am happily surprised still, 6 years and counting ;-)
Although, I encourage to find happiness wherever and with whomever, leave your options open!
I called you, but now I know why I always get your voice mail! I hate the phone too... especially when it comes to Libyans calling. They would not leave a message, but ring, hang up and ring back immediately after, hang up again, and keep ringing back... they just don't get the purpose of answering machines!
I sent you an e-mail... Please check it and get back to me ASAP. You're still on my good side, so act promptly and be ware!
Zee
Lol zee... I responded to you before reading the post. Just for the record though, threats don't necessarily get the best results from me. Phrased as challenges, however, and you get it all.
It's not that I'm not keeping my options open, it's that they're a little too open on my end and not so much so on my family's. I'm also discovering that I'm not as open as I thought...which means I'm establishing yet more boundaries. It sounds like a good thing, but I must say that it makes dealing with me even more 'difficult' than before.
Yala. whatever happens, happens.
Jeames: You can begin the blitz immediately. It's true, world, I didn't call when I said I would. Not the first time, nor the last time probably, but Jeames has 12 years of dirt on me that makes this even more important. Wow... can you believe it's been 12 years? That's beautiful.
But if we're ever gonna get married, ya NEED to leave the country at least once! How's about Egypt?
Highlander: Last time I left the airport in Tripoli, the soldiers were trying to direct me to the check-in for foreigners too. Then they saw my green passport and got a little embarrassed. Girl, I feel ya on that front.
Il mushkila ina mish gardra nista3'na 3alaihum wulad bladi ma3in-hum yegedru yesta3'nu 3ailiya. Know what I mean? I know it's totally irrational, but..it's still something I'm figuring out.
Regardless, keep holding up your wish list habibti. In the end, it's what makes you happy. Don't let them confuse us into believing otherwise. In the end, we live our lives and not them.
Smokey , walahi 7ata ani mani gadra laken shin bin dir , manish radia nakhud ayi wahed hiki we khallas ..sigh
I used to think arranged marriages were silly and barabaric, because I didn't understand what the concept behind it was. Now, I'm not so sure.
I just don't think people are very good at choosing their own mates. People seem to have an unrealistically high opinion of themselves, or they are insecure when they really shouldn't be. People tend to waste a lot of time in relationships where they are just using their partner, or are being used. Also, people seem to over-look obvious warning signs that something is wrong, when they like somebody. Even when it's obvious to everybody else that there's something wrong.
That's not to say parents/relatives/grandparents/whatever do it any better. I just don't know anymore. Relationships are... complicated.
By the way, you should cultivate some feminine wiles sometime if you haven't allready... you might be surprised how easy it is to wrap a guy around your finger. And for some reason, guys don't really seem to mind too much :)
Hi Craig, are you the same Craig from Sandmonkey's blog ?
If you are then from my question about what does 'hot'mean you would know that I probably have no feminine 'wiles' or any wiles I guess ;) hmmm so you say guys like these wiles, being honest and straightforward does not work ? will be reviewing my methods with the Libyan guys I guess....
No no no!! .... I'm not recommending dishonesty... that's like the worst thing for a relationship :)
It's just... eh... how can I put this? Is it dishonest when a man does special things for his woman? You know most men are not ramantic by nature, right? Yet, they make the effort, because it's very important to most women. Hmmm... it sounds like I don't know what I'm talking about, which means I probably don't. I'll shut up now :)
you are so funny Craig :) ..come on continue explaining it was getting interesting...
that last anonymous was me highlander
i think that i am quite romantic ... by nature.
Eh, me too, james... I meant all the *other* guys :p
Highlander, you are just teasing me now. You sure you don't have any feminine wiles? :)
apparently not Craig ;)
I must be dreaming or in heaven...TWO romantic guys on the same day ...wow I had started to think that this breed was as extinct as the proverbial dodo. alelujah for miracles
yeah ... i was lying. i am not at all romantic. i don't even try to be. the last romantic thing i said was "bitch, where did you put my bong?!" and that's probably the most romantic thing i have ever said, on top of that.
i was just playing the devil's advocate. so then ... yes, you must be in heaven.
Highlander... that last post by Jeames was a blatant self-denial and lie.
Jeames... you are both romantic and A romantic and I love every bit of it, down to the last ounce. Looking at the world through your words and eyes, though generally discombombulating, has always been a privilege and given me perspective on the world and my life for which I am eternally grateful.
Besides that, I'm glad this month old post has provoked some discussion.
Craig: It's not that I think that arranged marriages are anything near primitive; I was just noting the awkwardness and humour of the whole situation.
To be honest with all of you, there have been some completely unexpected results to this situation. When I figure out where the functional part of my mind is these days, I'll post on it. But I really feel as though my mind has eluded even itself.
smokey ;) "unexpected results to this situation" ? means I'm hearing wedding bells or zghareet he he he I sound soooooooo Libyan now don't I ?
what's all this talk about marriages? did i miss something?
No Jeames, it just me in my 'speculation mode' ;)
That does it. We have exchanged links, so the next sensible thing to do would be for us to get married.
I understand your post from the male's perspective of our culture.
What a bee's nest! Good thing there's some honey in there somewhere.
;)
So... are you married yet? :D
programmer_Craig, red_enclave wanted your blog and i want to know your email ;) you did say you have a genius IQ did you not ( can't remember on which blog I read it ). So if you ever read this email me.
Hmmm... I shouldn't have said that about my IQ, I've lost a lot of braincells since I was 13 :p
I'll shoot you an e-mail soon as I can figure out how to set a blogger account, Highlander :)
I understand completely. I'v been living in Libya for ages and am engaged to a Libyan, whom I meet by acident. I've been 'ENGAGED' for 3 years and all I ever hear is 'when's the wedding?'. Nothing about am I happy. There lucky I'm getting married at all!!! People still call me 'The American" even though I'm half Libyan so go figure.
Mentaly Stable
I have 2 brothers in law - 21 and 17 years old.
One is in the army.
The younger one is a medical student.
They each have a plot of land in Jemaa al Gassi area where to build a home for their future wife inshaAllah.
Who wants them?
Smokey, it is sad but one has either to quarrel with his relations and live an alienated but free life or be good to them and let them mess into what isn't their business at all. No way to have a warm expanded family and in the same time unchallenged control over your own life. It would be good, but I haven't seen it happen.
Westerners speak very sharply against the arranged marriages, which to my opinion is hypocrisy, because they were predominant everywhere until only a century ago. However, I understand what a nuisance it must be for you.
Perhaps, instead of calling, to arrange immediately a face-to-face contact in the presence of the arranger? So at least she will have first-hand information and won't have to ask by the phone. Besides, if Mr. X talks and behaves like an idiot (which is very likely), this is an excellent opportunity to launch a counter-attack ("Why did you bring such a fellow to me? Do you seriously think this is what I am worth?...")
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